Day 16

Dear Rose,

I'm having issues with your roses.  They have sat in the vase with your photo and rope since they arrived the day after your death.  Since then, I visit them every day and have a silent "moment" with you, through the roses. 

Unfortunately, they are about the die.  And for some reason, the roses dying is painful for me.  It is like your death will be officially over once the roses die.  I have taken two from the bunch and hung them to dry, so that Joel and I can each always have a Rose rose. 

But for some reason, the thought of that vase of flowers (wilted and falling apart as they are) NOT being there devestates me.  What is WRONG with me?!  They are just FLOWERS.  You have been gone for 16 days now.

Life has gone back to about 65% normal now.  I go to school when I'm supposed to.  I eat right.  I exercise most days.  Stacey and I are rock solid.  But, here's what still is not normal:

1) I'm spending a lot of time at "your" house.  This is surprising to me, as I thought that being where you lived would be too painful for me for a while, but it's been the opposite.  I love being where you lived, it makes me feel close to you.  Plus, the dogs have needed extra attention because they miss you, too.  And Mom is also in pain and adjusting.  I feel great when I'm there.

2) I haven't made it back to cycle class.  It just doesn't feel right to go to the gym.   I'd rather exercise at home.  I'll try again next week, because I know it's good for me.

3) I still cry whenever I think about your last moments... which happens once a day or so, so it has improved.

4)  It's hard to sleep.  This has gotten better, but I'm still not 100%.

I'm considering getting some professional help.  But I want to wait a couple of more weeks and see if the pain starts to subside a bit naturally over time before I assume that I need a therapist again.

Rose, I know that you don't want me to be sad all the time, so I'm going to work on it.

I love and miss you every day.

Love, Leah

Day 10

Dear Rose,

     I cannot believe that it's been 10 days since we lost you.  10 whole days of a world without Rose in it.  It sucks.  I am still trying to hold it together, but I still find myself crying a few times every day.  I hope that I stop that soon... on the other hand, I don't want to lose you... I'm in denial about your death still.

I have these crazy thoughts about you being alive again.  Like death is temporary. 

I miss you tons, girl.  Please come back.  Oh wait, there I go again.  Sigh. I know that you aren't coming back.

But I wish that you could.

Anyway, I guess that I should tell you what's going on with your fellow furry friends.  Diva and Jacques have moved on okay because they have each other... they are still pretty needy and I can tell that they miss you.

It's Dot that I'm worried about!  She was your baby.  She thought of you as her mom, and now she doesn't know what to do.  She is  clearly still  looking around the room, waiting for you to show up.  I feel like her sometimes... 

I will continue to give them all extra love and attention, especially Dot. 

Love, Leah

day 6

Dear Rose,

     I can't believe that you've been gone for almost a week.  I miss you terribly.

I went over to Mom's house today, and it's just so darn sad without you there.  Everyone is lonely without you.  Dot misses you a LOT.  She's never known a world without you, so she will probably have the toughest time adjusting to life now.  I'm trying to give all of them extra love and attention.

Diva is trying to step up to the role of eldest dog, but she is doing so rather reluctantly.  The whole dynamic is out of whack over there. 

It turns out that you are the only dog who bugged me for treats.  The others don't even care about them unless you make them... and you're not there anymore, so it's sad to get no one bugging me for treats.

I almost broke down this morning after class.  I remembered the last time I finished a class was when you were sick, and I would call to check up on you after every class.  And today I felt the impulse to call to check on you... and then I remembered.

:-(

I love and miss you!

Love, Leah

day 5

Dear Rose,

     Today has been better.  I miss and love you so much.  I hated saying "good-bye" to you yesterday. 

I keep looking at pictures of you to keep you alive in my mind. 

You are such a beautiful soul.

Love, Leah

your funeral

Dear Rose,

I think that your funeral was beautiful.  You looked beautiful in a pink-lined casket.  I pet your body more than once, not gonna lie.  I know that it is not REALLY you, but I had to feel your fur again.  I miss petting you, cuddling you, holding you, and making you happy. 

We placed the photos in there with you, along with 4 of your favorite treats.  I will miss you barking like crazy until I give you a treat. 

Anyway...  I feel much better now that you are resting next to Stuffy.  I even am starting to believe that you and Stuffy really are having some kind of awesome afterlife together. 

We gave Stuffy some flowers and treats today, too.  Please tell her that I love and miss her just as much as I love and miss you.

I have realized that I've started to forget Stuffy.  Not what she looked like, but how she acted, what her bark sounded like, and stuff like that.  And I hope that I never forget anything about you. 

Rose, you are missed and you are loved.  I know now that you are at peace with your death.  I could sense that much when I looked at your peaceful body today. 

As for me being at peace with it...  well, I'm not there quite yet.

But now that your body is buried, I think that I may be able to fall to sleep without crying for the first time since Tuesday.  So there's that.

I love you and miss you soooooooooo much.

Rest in peace, dear girl.  My puppy.

Love, Leah

Your family

Rose, this is what I'm burying with you.  I hope that you remember and love us forever, because we sure will miss and love you forever.  :-)

(((ROSE)))

funeral update

Dear Rose,

     Your funeral is today at 12:30!  I'm happy about that.  You can finally rest in peace.

I wish that I knew what you would want buried with you.  I want to bury you with a couple of  your favorite treats, pictures of all of your family, and a favorite old toy or two.

However, selfishly I want to keep your old toys as keepsakes.  And now that I've thought of it as an option, I will probably regret it either way.  Crap.

What would you want? 

I love you dearly, Rose.  Seeing your body again (and for the LAST time) is going to be tough, but is it crazy that I'm looking forward to seeing you again, even if it is just your body? 

Say hi to Stuffy for me, and let her know that we plan on honoring her today, too.  :-)  I love my girls.

Rose... Rest in peace.  I know that you are going to be there today, watching over us.  Because really, if there is a spiritualy plane, who would miss their own funeral?

I love and miss you.

Love, Leah