Day 16

Dear Rose,

I'm having issues with your roses.  They have sat in the vase with your photo and rope since they arrived the day after your death.  Since then, I visit them every day and have a silent "moment" with you, through the roses. 

Unfortunately, they are about the die.  And for some reason, the roses dying is painful for me.  It is like your death will be officially over once the roses die.  I have taken two from the bunch and hung them to dry, so that Joel and I can each always have a Rose rose. 

But for some reason, the thought of that vase of flowers (wilted and falling apart as they are) NOT being there devestates me.  What is WRONG with me?!  They are just FLOWERS.  You have been gone for 16 days now.

Life has gone back to about 65% normal now.  I go to school when I'm supposed to.  I eat right.  I exercise most days.  Stacey and I are rock solid.  But, here's what still is not normal:

1) I'm spending a lot of time at "your" house.  This is surprising to me, as I thought that being where you lived would be too painful for me for a while, but it's been the opposite.  I love being where you lived, it makes me feel close to you.  Plus, the dogs have needed extra attention because they miss you, too.  And Mom is also in pain and adjusting.  I feel great when I'm there.

2) I haven't made it back to cycle class.  It just doesn't feel right to go to the gym.   I'd rather exercise at home.  I'll try again next week, because I know it's good for me.

3) I still cry whenever I think about your last moments... which happens once a day or so, so it has improved.

4)  It's hard to sleep.  This has gotten better, but I'm still not 100%.

I'm considering getting some professional help.  But I want to wait a couple of more weeks and see if the pain starts to subside a bit naturally over time before I assume that I need a therapist again.

Rose, I know that you don't want me to be sad all the time, so I'm going to work on it.

I love and miss you every day.

Love, Leah

Day 10

Dear Rose,

     I cannot believe that it's been 10 days since we lost you.  10 whole days of a world without Rose in it.  It sucks.  I am still trying to hold it together, but I still find myself crying a few times every day.  I hope that I stop that soon... on the other hand, I don't want to lose you... I'm in denial about your death still.

I have these crazy thoughts about you being alive again.  Like death is temporary. 

I miss you tons, girl.  Please come back.  Oh wait, there I go again.  Sigh. I know that you aren't coming back.

But I wish that you could.

Anyway, I guess that I should tell you what's going on with your fellow furry friends.  Diva and Jacques have moved on okay because they have each other... they are still pretty needy and I can tell that they miss you.

It's Dot that I'm worried about!  She was your baby.  She thought of you as her mom, and now she doesn't know what to do.  She is  clearly still  looking around the room, waiting for you to show up.  I feel like her sometimes... 

I will continue to give them all extra love and attention, especially Dot. 

Love, Leah

day 6

Dear Rose,

     I can't believe that you've been gone for almost a week.  I miss you terribly.

I went over to Mom's house today, and it's just so darn sad without you there.  Everyone is lonely without you.  Dot misses you a LOT.  She's never known a world without you, so she will probably have the toughest time adjusting to life now.  I'm trying to give all of them extra love and attention.

Diva is trying to step up to the role of eldest dog, but she is doing so rather reluctantly.  The whole dynamic is out of whack over there. 

It turns out that you are the only dog who bugged me for treats.  The others don't even care about them unless you make them... and you're not there anymore, so it's sad to get no one bugging me for treats.

I almost broke down this morning after class.  I remembered the last time I finished a class was when you were sick, and I would call to check up on you after every class.  And today I felt the impulse to call to check on you... and then I remembered.

:-(

I love and miss you!

Love, Leah

day 5

Dear Rose,

     Today has been better.  I miss and love you so much.  I hated saying "good-bye" to you yesterday. 

I keep looking at pictures of you to keep you alive in my mind. 

You are such a beautiful soul.

Love, Leah

your funeral

Dear Rose,

I think that your funeral was beautiful.  You looked beautiful in a pink-lined casket.  I pet your body more than once, not gonna lie.  I know that it is not REALLY you, but I had to feel your fur again.  I miss petting you, cuddling you, holding you, and making you happy. 

We placed the photos in there with you, along with 4 of your favorite treats.  I will miss you barking like crazy until I give you a treat. 

Anyway...  I feel much better now that you are resting next to Stuffy.  I even am starting to believe that you and Stuffy really are having some kind of awesome afterlife together. 

We gave Stuffy some flowers and treats today, too.  Please tell her that I love and miss her just as much as I love and miss you.

I have realized that I've started to forget Stuffy.  Not what she looked like, but how she acted, what her bark sounded like, and stuff like that.  And I hope that I never forget anything about you. 

Rose, you are missed and you are loved.  I know now that you are at peace with your death.  I could sense that much when I looked at your peaceful body today. 

As for me being at peace with it...  well, I'm not there quite yet.

But now that your body is buried, I think that I may be able to fall to sleep without crying for the first time since Tuesday.  So there's that.

I love you and miss you soooooooooo much.

Rest in peace, dear girl.  My puppy.

Love, Leah

Your family

Rose, this is what I'm burying with you.  I hope that you remember and love us forever, because we sure will miss and love you forever.  :-)

(((ROSE)))

funeral update

Dear Rose,

     Your funeral is today at 12:30!  I'm happy about that.  You can finally rest in peace.

I wish that I knew what you would want buried with you.  I want to bury you with a couple of  your favorite treats, pictures of all of your family, and a favorite old toy or two.

However, selfishly I want to keep your old toys as keepsakes.  And now that I've thought of it as an option, I will probably regret it either way.  Crap.

What would you want? 

I love you dearly, Rose.  Seeing your body again (and for the LAST time) is going to be tough, but is it crazy that I'm looking forward to seeing you again, even if it is just your body? 

Say hi to Stuffy for me, and let her know that we plan on honoring her today, too.  :-)  I love my girls.

Rose... Rest in peace.  I know that you are going to be there today, watching over us.  Because really, if there is a spiritualy plane, who would miss their own funeral?

I love and miss you.

Love, Leah

Day 3

Dear Rose,
     Today was much better than yesterday was.  I give major credit to a volunteer at the ASPCA's crisis pet loss hotline, to whom I spoke late last night.  She really helped me to feel better about everything.  Or at least, she helped me to put things in perspective.

     She said that dogs intinctively know when they are going to die.  She said that when you stopped eating and became kind of avoid-y, it was you basically giving in to death.  And that if you were in the wild, you would have done the same thing and would have been eaten by predators.  I wonder if that's true.  Were you ready to die?  Had you accepted your fate?  I hope so, because that would make this easier to bear.  If you were really ready to be done with life, then I guess it was okay to euthanize you.  But it is still really tough to justify, and I still haven't completely forgiven myself.  (and I definately haven't forgiven the vet for the false hope episode).

    Anyway, I'm feeling better.  I've only cried a couple of times today, and neither time was hysterical.  I have found a few more adorable photos of you, which I am still figuring out what to do with.  For now, I will enjoy looking at them, and trying to replace the image of your lifeless body with the images of you alive and happy.  My mind keeps flashing to that moment.  You know what moment I'm talking about:  when the vet injected you with the poison and your breathing stopped.  We were all hysterical, Joel was crying on the speakerphone...  I gave your body one last hug and kiss (including an extra kiss from Joel) and left the room desperately grasping onto your collar, which I decided to keep. 

     I am trying to stop picturing  that moment, and looking at photos of you when you were young and happy is helping a bit.  I miss you soooooo much, Rose. 

     On a lighter note (kinda), today Joel and Kevin sent us roses in your honor.  Joel wanted them to be used at your burial, but since that keeps on getting rescheduled, who knows if that will happen.  For now, I've set up a little shrine for you with them.  Here's a picture:

Here are the flowers close up:

and here is a close-up of the momentos at the bottom:

I miss you so much, Rose.  I hate that you are no longer here.  I love you, and life won't be the same without you.

The volunteer told me something else.  She said that one reason that I am taking your death so hard has nothing to do with YOU.  She says that it is about my growing up.  The fact that you saw me grow up, and were there through so much tragedy, drama, and craziness.  How you were a part of my past, and how now I have to accept that the past is over and move on as an adult.

I don't know how much merit there is to that, but it does make a bit of sense.  You were there through all the crazy teenage years.  You were there when I dropped out of college three or four times.  You were there when I went anorexic, and you were there during all of the terrible recovery years, too.  You were there when I became a godmother, and you were there when that godchild was ripped from my life.  You were there when I almost got married to the wrong man, and you were there when I met the right man.  You were there when I made a best friend, and when I lost that best friend.  You were there when I finally got my life together. 

...And for that last part, I am so grateful.  When Stuffy died, I was still messed up.  I was young and stupid, and had about 5 HUGE life mistakes ahead of me.  But YOU got to see me happy.  You got to meet Stacey (who yep, I'm gonna marry some day).  You got to see me go back to school and start to become the adult that I am meant to be.  You got to be there for the good stuff. 

Thanks, Rose, for always being there for me. 

Love, Leah

denial.

Dear Rose,

I am in denial about your death.  I keep thinking that you're here.  I keep expecting to look around and find you, or to hear the door from the hallway creak as you push it open. 

WHY did I let them kill you?  I have such guilt.

You are gone, and I need to accept that. 

It's after midnight, and I'm scared to go lie down.  I'm scared that I will cry myself to sleep again, and it was just so painful last night that I cannot go through that again.

Can't you just be alive again?  Can't I just turn back time and bring you back? 

Sigh.  I'm sorry...  this is not what you need to hear.  You need to hear that all is well, and that I miss you and love you but am fine. 

I hope to get to that happy "Rose is in a better place and no longer in pain so it's okay that she's dead" point in my grief soon, because I'm sure that is what you would want for me. 

You are in my heart. 

Love, Leah

the next day...

Dear Rose,
     There is a void in the world now.  I have no other way to explain it, but there is.  I fell asleep crying last night, and woke up in tears.  It felt as if I would never stop.  And for the first time in 15 years, I cannot turn to you for comfort.  I have to figure out how to live in a world without you in it.

     I am trying to keep you alive in my heart.  I am in the process of gathering pictures of you, and plan to make some sort of collage with them.  I started this blog in a (probably crazy) attempt to communicate with you.  I am keeping your friends Diva, Jacques, and Dot company while the parents are out of town.

     Your funeral isn't completely arranged yet, due to the parents' schedule and the rain forecast.  I hate that.  I don't know if I will be able to fall asleep NOT crying until after your body is laid to rest.  It kills me that your body is lying in a freezer somewhere, waiting for its final resting place.  I have heard that "funerals are for the living" so I will try to keep that in mind, and I do realize that your body is just that: a body.  You are no longer on Earth.

     Anyway...  I broke down today, when I came over to house/dog-sit for the folks and for the first time you weren't here to greet me.  There were three soprano barks, but your alto was nowhere to be heard.  It was devestating for me.  I wept so hard that I screamed at one point. 

...It took a while for me to calm down and remember that there are still three dogs here who need my love and attention.  So I fed and watered them, played with them, and looked through the family albums to find more pictures of you and Stuffy.  Eventually, I stopped crying.

I know that you never liked it when I cried.  You got upset whenever I got upset. 

I hope that the pain of you no longer being here gets easier to deal with over time.  For now, it still hurts.  My heart is breaking, and I don't know how to mend it.

I love you.  I miss you.

Your sister, Leah

the day you died...

(written after midnight when I needed to talk to you)

Dear Rose,

      I miss you so much already.  You are the best dog EVER (tied with Stuffy, of course!).  I have had you in my life for about 15 years, and I’m only 27, which means I’ve known a world with you in it for longer than I’ve known a world without you in it.  I remember when we first laid eyes on you.  You were a scraggly little thing, with wiry hair all over your skinny body.  I loved you at first sight.

      You gave new life to Stuffy, who was at least ten years old when we brought you home.  I hope that I properly thanked you and gave you credit for that, because it truly was a miracle.  Don’t tell Stuffy this, but we got you as a sort of preemptive replacement for Stuffy, who had received a grim prognosis from at least one vet.  Yet, when you entered the scene, Stuffy had a second puppyhood, and lived for 7 more years.  You saved her life!!!  I didn’t know it at the time, but you would save my life one day, too.

      When we met, you were a puppy and I was a teenager.  I had just entered into the teen years, and was pretty messed up emotionally at times.  I hit you sometimes, which I now realize was WRONG.  I’m sorry for any time I physically or verbally abused you when I was young and stupid.  You were a trooper with me, and were a very well-behaved puppy (despite what Mom and Dad claim about you being “impossible” to housebreak). 

      You helped me survive my difficult teen years by being a constant presence of support in my life.  You were always there for me, even when I felt as if the world was against me.  I never felt anything but love from you.  You and Stuffy really both helped to shape the person that I have become.  You licked my tears away whenever I had a teenage crisis (which was quite often in some years).  You were always excited to see me when I came home.

      Later, when I moved out, I still thought of you as “mine” even though I knew that you belong to our parents.  I actually have always thought of you as a little sister who was stuck at home, even though I got to leave the nest.  You were very happy there, so I was happy to know that you were at the parents’ house.  I didn’t always like visiting them, but I always LOVED visiting you!  I am sorry for any of the times that I should have visited you but didn’t.  I’m also sorry for all of the times that I moved far away and didn’t visit often or for long enough.  I hope that you enjoyed my visits as much as I did!  Thanks for always being on my side.  I know that you probably were on EVERYONE’s side in family fights, but it always felt as if you had my back.

      The last couple of weeks were a mess for us.  You went from being a content and healthy senior dog to being a dying cancer patient seemingly overnight.  The day that the doctor told me that you were going to be fine, and that you just had allergies… that was the happiest day of my entire existence.  I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.  You have no idea how thrilled I was that you were not dying and that you were going to be around for a while longer.

      A week later (today), you died.  And now I cry tears of sorrow and grief.  We had you killed.  And I feel very badly about it.  I don’t know if you were actually ready to die.  Everyone is trying to make themselves feel better about the decision by saying things like “Rose isn’t in pain anymore” and “Rose is with Stuffy now”.  But I don’t know about that.  I honestly believe that you weren’t ready to die yet and that I should have ran out of that room with you in my arms.  Somehow, I didn’t do it.  It wasn’t my decision.  I know that if I had done it, you probably still would have died within a day or two anyway and probably endured more pain. 

But there is another possibility that is bothering me.  Maybe your tongue was the real problem, and maybe it wasn’t too late to save you if we had only gotten a biopsy of the tongue and figured that out.  Maybe your breathing, lack of appetite, and every other problem was all due to whatever was wrong with your tongue.  And maybe if we had just gotten that fixed you could have been healthy and happy again until you died of old age in a couple of years, happily in your sleep.

      But since this is all speculation and since you are in fact dead at this time, I cannot keep on wondering “what if” about your death.  You are dead.  You are gone.  You are no longer going to be in the parents’ house barking incessantly for a treat every time I walk in the door.  You will never lick my face, hands, or feet again.  You will never clean Dot’s eyes, or run around with Diva and Jacques, or bark when Joel and I pretend to sneeze in your face.  None of those things will ever happen again.

      And that saddens me to no end.

      Are you in a better place now?  Are you running around with all the other dead dogs in Heaven?  I know that you’re not in pain anymore, but is that because you’re dead and therefore no longer exist, or is it because your spirit has moved on to a better place?  I hope that it’s the latter.  In case it isn’t, and your existence is completely over…  I promise you this:  I will live the rest of my life to the best of my ability.  I will do this in your honor, since you no longer get to live.

      Your life was amazing.  You accomplished so much, including making my life amazing.  I am so proud of you.  I know that even if your existence is over, your journey was not without a purpose.  Rose, your purpose was to help others.  Your purpose was to bring joy to us all.  And you fulfilled your destiny here on earth. 

      Wherever you are now (please let you be somewhere!), I hope that you are happy.  I hope that you have no regrets.  I hope that you can forgive me for letting you die.  And I hope that you know how much I love you.