Day 16

Dear Rose,

I'm having issues with your roses.  They have sat in the vase with your photo and rope since they arrived the day after your death.  Since then, I visit them every day and have a silent "moment" with you, through the roses. 

Unfortunately, they are about the die.  And for some reason, the roses dying is painful for me.  It is like your death will be officially over once the roses die.  I have taken two from the bunch and hung them to dry, so that Joel and I can each always have a Rose rose. 

But for some reason, the thought of that vase of flowers (wilted and falling apart as they are) NOT being there devestates me.  What is WRONG with me?!  They are just FLOWERS.  You have been gone for 16 days now.

Life has gone back to about 65% normal now.  I go to school when I'm supposed to.  I eat right.  I exercise most days.  Stacey and I are rock solid.  But, here's what still is not normal:

1) I'm spending a lot of time at "your" house.  This is surprising to me, as I thought that being where you lived would be too painful for me for a while, but it's been the opposite.  I love being where you lived, it makes me feel close to you.  Plus, the dogs have needed extra attention because they miss you, too.  And Mom is also in pain and adjusting.  I feel great when I'm there.

2) I haven't made it back to cycle class.  It just doesn't feel right to go to the gym.   I'd rather exercise at home.  I'll try again next week, because I know it's good for me.

3) I still cry whenever I think about your last moments... which happens once a day or so, so it has improved.

4)  It's hard to sleep.  This has gotten better, but I'm still not 100%.

I'm considering getting some professional help.  But I want to wait a couple of more weeks and see if the pain starts to subside a bit naturally over time before I assume that I need a therapist again.

Rose, I know that you don't want me to be sad all the time, so I'm going to work on it.

I love and miss you every day.

Love, Leah