Today was much better than yesterday was. I give major credit to a volunteer at the ASPCA's crisis pet loss hotline, to whom I spoke late last night. She really helped me to feel better about everything. Or at least, she helped me to put things in perspective.
She said that dogs intinctively know when they are going to die. She said that when you stopped eating and became kind of avoid-y, it was you basically giving in to death. And that if you were in the wild, you would have done the same thing and would have been eaten by predators. I wonder if that's true. Were you ready to die? Had you accepted your fate? I hope so, because that would make this easier to bear. If you were really ready to be done with life, then I guess it was okay to euthanize you. But it is still really tough to justify, and I still haven't completely forgiven myself. (and I definately haven't forgiven the vet for the false hope episode).
Anyway, I'm feeling better. I've only cried a couple of times today, and neither time was hysterical. I have found a few more adorable photos of you, which I am still figuring out what to do with. For now, I will enjoy looking at them, and trying to replace the image of your lifeless body with the images of you alive and happy. My mind keeps flashing to that moment. You know what moment I'm talking about: when the vet injected you with the poison and your breathing stopped. We were all hysterical, Joel was crying on the speakerphone... I gave your body one last hug and kiss (including an extra kiss from Joel) and left the room desperately grasping onto your collar, which I decided to keep.
I am trying to stop picturing that moment, and looking at photos of you when you were young and happy is helping a bit. I miss you soooooo much, Rose.
On a lighter note (kinda), today Joel and Kevin sent us roses in your honor. Joel wanted them to be used at your burial, but since that keeps on getting rescheduled, who knows if that will happen. For now, I've set up a little shrine for you with them. Here's a picture:
Here are the flowers close up:
and here is a close-up of the momentos at the bottom:
I miss you so much, Rose. I hate that you are no longer here. I love you, and life won't be the same without you.
The volunteer told me something else. She said that one reason that I am taking your death so hard has nothing to do with YOU. She says that it is about my growing up. The fact that you saw me grow up, and were there through so much tragedy, drama, and craziness. How you were a part of my past, and how now I have to accept that the past is over and move on as an adult.
I don't know how much merit there is to that, but it does make a bit of sense. You were there through all the crazy teenage years. You were there when I dropped out of college three or four times. You were there when I went anorexic, and you were there during all of the terrible recovery years, too. You were there when I became a godmother, and you were there when that godchild was ripped from my life. You were there when I almost got married to the wrong man, and you were there when I met the right man. You were there when I made a best friend, and when I lost that best friend. You were there when I finally got my life together.
...And for that last part, I am so grateful. When Stuffy died, I was still messed up. I was young and stupid, and had about 5 HUGE life mistakes ahead of me. But YOU got to see me happy. You got to meet Stacey (who yep, I'm gonna marry some day). You got to see me go back to school and start to become the adult that I am meant to be. You got to be there for the good stuff.
Thanks, Rose, for always being there for me.
Love, Leah
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